bye bye miss american pie

well, time to bid yet another country adieu. we had made our home here, but now we've decided to move back to India, for better or worse. i want to work now, and it just won't happen here without a lot of struggle. and while i'm not averse to that, i just don't see the need for it. life's good back home too. we can all get jobs, my son can get the best schooling money can buy, and we can have an enabled lifestyle, as opposed to struggling to make ends meet here. it will take us a decade to build the lifestyle here that we can already have in india. and for our son, those ten years would be crucial. so well, these are the reasons, and i hope i remember them over the decades as i second-guess this momentous decision a million times. :)
it's been a wrench to uproot ourselves from here, because even though we never planned to live all our lives here, yet we'd thought we'd be here longer. we had settled in, bought everything, and just started to save. but the process of selling our things has been a healing one, bringing goodbyes and natural endings to illogical attachments to material things.
i hope we're doing the right thing! looking forward to starting life afresh back HOME!!! :)

expectations

sometimes it's hard to live up to your estimation of others' expectations from you. when you're in school or college, you have so much potential... or at least people think you do. so that when you're at home, not working, maybe looking after kids, you feel the weight of their collective disappointment in what you made of your life. when did it become so taboo to be unemployed? liberation is about the freedom to make choices, not the enforcement of one set of choices as opposed to another. being forced to work is as bad as being forced to stay at home. but then, nobody's forcing you for anything, it's just the voices in your head judging you. maybe they will eventually help you get out of inertia when it's time, but for now, they're a pain in the nether area!

weird day

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times... hubby's birthday, but emotionally a day full of upheavals. one of the bloggers i read regularly recently had a baby, lots of problems, and even though i had never met her, i found myself crying my eyes out. i am still worrying for her and can't get over it at all. is this what being a mother does to you, or am i being unduly sensitive? sayesha, my love goes out to you!

tough times

it is so difficult, ever since i became a mother, to see or hear about any child in any kind of pain. i didn't understand what it's like to see a child suffer, until i had a child of my own, because i just didn't know how a child is loved until i did it myself. 

being a woman

the older i grow, the more i notice the differences between men and women. women are mothers - whether we are daughters or sisters or wives or mothers or grandmothers, we do a lot of mothering in any relationship with a man. whereas for each other, we don't automatically go into mother mode. i think we get the short end of the stick... men get to be babies all their lives and we get to do all the work. :P

section 377: homosexuality - the new sin?

the famous section 377 of the Indian Penal Code was much in news recently when a Delhi High Court division bench took matters into its hands and re-interpreted a century-old law. kudos! not so heartening was the reaction of the people, as reported.
i'm not even going to get into the debate about whether or not homosexuality is morally or ethically "right", because i feel there can be no meeting ground between people who think it's a perversion of nature and those who believe it's as natural as heterosexuality and deserves the same respect.
what i want to talk about today is the legal position. it is quite obvious to any homosexual person that gay marriage is not permitted in India. heck, it's still amazing that inter-religious marriage is allowed! but until recently, homosexuality was actually a crime under the Indian Penal Code, punishable by imprisonment for life or ten years and a fine!
this is how the section reads:
"377. Unnatural offences: Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine. Explanation: Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offense described in this section."
a simple reading throws up the following observations:

• this section can only be used against men i.e. lesbianism is not targeted as there is no penetration involved.
• the section does not reveal its intention or the acts it means to prohibit, but in fact uses the very vague wording "against the order of nature". in my view, the section was intended against the biblical sins of sodomy and bestiality, not homosexuality at all. no prohibition of homosexuality would have targeted only male homosexuality and ignored the female, no matter how unacknowledged and under the covers (hehe) such acts may be in society.
• the punishment is severe indeed for what is essentially a private act.

the Delhi High Court judgement in the Naz Foundation PIL has attempted to modernize this archaic law by stipulating the following condition on the implementation of this section: the intercourse should be non-consensual, or with a minor or animal i.e. intercourse between consenting adults cannot be charged under this section. according to the court, any other interpretation would violate the spirit of articles 14, 15, 19 and 21 of the Indian constitution, dealing with equality, discrimination and freedom of life and liberty. thus, homosexual intercourse between consenting adults is finally decriminalized. a small step for two judges, a significant leap for the Indian society.
the judgement, though laudable, can only do so much. firstly, it is only binding on district courts and any smaller bench of the Delhi High Court. to become the law of the land, it needs to be ratified either by the Supreme Court in the form of a judgement, or by the legislature in the form of an amendment of the act itself. secondly, it does not legalize gay marriage. it only decriminalizes homosexuality. it's a step, but a small step. the court appeals to the legislature to come up with a comprehensive law to deal with the issue, as clearly a judgement on section 377 cannot talk about gay marriage. the legislature, however, seems to be content with this limited re-interpretation by the judiciary, and does not seem to have yet formulated any clear policies, let alone any bills, on the matter. gay marriage remains a vexed issue.
well, that's all i had to say about that. it seems to me that society is very unfair to homosexuals, treating it as an offence against nature and a perversion as heinous as sex with a child or an animal. from what i can see, it takes abnormal courage to go against all established norms and take the path less traveled. it's confusing enough to try and figure out your sexual orientation when every societal and parental force is pushing you in one direction, and on top of that to be treated as if there were any choice in the matter is just absurd! it may be a choice for some people, but for many it is just who they were born to be, and to be punished and shunned by society for something that may just be genetic is criminal!!! after all, it's not a teenage rebellion aimed at hurting authority figures, it's a life-altering, painful, difficult decision to make, and deserves all our support! society waxes so eloquent on love - love is blind, love cannot be controlled, predicted or decided, "pyaar kiya nahi jaata ho jaata hai" etc etc. then why can't it see that when a girl falls in love with a girl or a boy with a boy, they are equally helpless in the matter? it's not just a physical act!
i agree, i haven't had to deal with this decision personally, or in any close family member, so maybe i don't know how the parents feel. but seriously parents, get over yourselves and see what your child is going through! i pray that if my time comes, god gives me the strength and vision to be able to support my child through such tough times!

dell sucks

it's been barely three months, and already the right click key on the touchpad doesn't press down properly. and according to dell, that's not a manufacturing defect but rather wear and tear, which is not covered by warranty. so according to dell, their computers are only built to last three months or less, after which if anything goes wrong, it must be you! this sucks! now to get it fixed i either have to pay Rs.8500 for a full warranty or Rs.1500+spare parts charge for a technician visit. all for a spring that probably costs ten rupees! and all this after spending rs.45000 just three months ago to get this laptop in the first place! :( dissatisfaction factor has never been higher!

we mourn

Can anybody explain to this boy why he is attending his mommy and daddy's funeral after they were killed by terrorists in Nariman House, Mumbai and his whole life as he knows it came to an end? At 2 years old, this baby will never feel the embrace or affection of his parents ever again, and maybe will not even be able to remember them! Why???

Terror - the Aftermath

we are now looking for scapegoats to pin the blame on, and then to be able to forget about the whole matter. politicians' resignations are being asked for left, right and centre. will that solve anything? are there any good ones to replace the ones who are resigning? if anything, atleast the ones who resign show they have some conscience of some kind.
this is the kind of attack that is virtually impossible to stop, no matter which part of the world you happen to be in. these are fatalistic men, prepared to risk all, worked up to a frenzy by their belief in the injustice on their people for centuries. how will you battle them by making 2-3 politicians resign?
in my opinion, the thing to do is to have a better, more organized, more responsive central intelligence agency in the country that is dedicated to fighting terrorism. we need to not only have advance intelligence, we need somebody who will take it seriously and take appropriate action. it now appears there was prior knowledge of the attack on the taj, the planned entry by sea-routes and even mumbai as a target by armed gunmen. but nobody took any appropriate action, and hence we were not prepared. granted, it is probably hard to sift through all the false warnings and threats to get to the few that actually mean something - all the more reason to have a central intelligence agency!
alas, it seems there's no alternative but to increase spending on defence. it's such a pity, because we really need the money to be spent on our nation's development. the terrorists are targeting the strongest nations with a clear agenda - bring down the superpowers, reduce all to the mess that their own nations are in. why don't u spend all that time and energy in making your nations better instead? a**holes!


just heard some good news on bbc - the Indian PM has actually set up a central intelligence agency that will deal exclusively with terrorism, and has augmented the forces involved in anti-terrorist operations. he also mentioned that this is the time for all political parties to rise above petty political differences and present a united front against this unprecedented threat. bravo, mr. manmohan, you do us proud!

Terror strikes Mumbai

the madness is unbelievable. so many killed, so many injured. and after 12 hours, the nightmare still continues, with hostage situations in both Taj and Oberoi hotels. kill the motherfuckers!!! kill them dead!!! i am raging and grieving for my people, i want to be back home as soon as possible. i'm worried where this will lead. how long will these terror strikes continue? will it become a full-fledged war situation? just when my country was doing so well! maybe that's the reason india's being singled out in this way. maybe that's what's motivating these bastards - jealousy of what they cannot achieve. and we're an easy target anyway, with our large, poor and susceptible population and geographical location. why does a human being fall prey to extremist mindwashing anyway? isn't there any innate sense or logic or humanity inside him? there has to be something inside him that wants to kill and murder and inflict pain and grief and terror. i blame the ones that hold the guns as much as the brains behind the ones that hold the guns. they deserve everything that's coming to them. i hope our army finds and shoots each and every one of those fucking god-playing hostage-taking bastards, and tortures the rest beyond human belief. retaliate!!! WE REFUSE TO LIVE IN FEAR!!!

internet rocks my world

maxed out today - internet modem conked, surviving on stolen internet, in a huge fight with landlady (crazy lady who thinks there's arsenic in my computer that is poisoning her and the lights on my modem are flames on her wall that are making her ill) AND got stomach flu. and i decided this would be the perfect time to fight caffeine addiction as well!!!! it just doesn't get any better than this grrummph! and what is THE best therapy at times like these, ladies? back to back sex and the city, of course!!! just finished season 3! yay me! if there is one series that embodies woman power, i think it's this one. it's the perfect 'i don't need a guy, i've got my girls, i rock' place! no matter what problems i've got, watching these women makes me feel so cocky! in control! sexy! carry on carrie!!!
i never knew how dependent i'd become on the internet till it was taken away yesterday! suddenly i can't get thru the day, it's a million hours long, i'm restless and can't focus on anything! my mind is fixated on playing my favorite online game, or checking my calendar, or reading a thousand worthless posts on digg or my reader. maybe the universe is sending me a message to get out more often! and here i am blogging about it on stolen internet instead! :P hehe the universe better learn how to twitter instead!!! :)

all the world's a stage

sometimes the world seems like such a cruel place to live in. people committing mindless petty acts of bitchiness for no rhyme or reason, or maybe just cheap thrills. of course one wants to say one is completely innocent of all such acts and the bewildered victim, but obviously the thing that hurts the most is that one finds these flaws within oneself too. it is easy to forget what the world does, but v hard to forgive and forget oneself. they say women over-analyze every detail of what happens in their lives. i wish we weren't built that way. really, i wish we had some control over what we could be, like going to a computer store and selecting harmonious components to build a good system. right now it seems everything is being bunged in just hotch-potch, reaching out for the first thing on the shelf, so that we're ending up with completely unbalanced people without any emotional stability (i.e. me). i don't think sitting at home agrees with me. too much time. i need to be overworked to be happy. sigh, always wanting what is not...

epiphany

sometimes a thought hits you like the headlight of a train. sometimes it's a person. a person so out of the ordinary that you find it hard to believe that they exist. a person you worship, almost. doesn't mean they got an easy life - far from it. being extraordinary doesn't make you any friends in this world. but you feel humbled knowing that you know they exist. i knew a girl like that once.



we need heroes! is that why we created god?



it's awful to hero-worship. u're setting urself up for a fall. it's impossible to make anybody into a hero without ignoring all their faults, and when they become so apparent that u can't close ur eyes anymore, baraboom, there falls the edifice. that's why it's safe to believe in god, because there's no visible flaws that will manifest themselves. unless u start believing ur life is ordained by god, and then blaming god for all ur problems. then u've got back to square one, basically.

pippa

sometimes some books can touch you so deeply, like they're written about yourself. the private lives of pippa lee, by rebecca miller. i am filled with emotion, touched to the heart. scared. this life that i am building for myself, sacrificing everything else to be a wife, hoping to be a mother, will i end up being superfluous in the lives of everyone i love and work for? am i really doing this for myself?

eulogy to a brother in arms

in the words of phoebe buffay: "it's a sucky life! and just when you think it can't suck no more, it does!" fuckall cruel joke we are, mortal and fallible, dying before our time.
yugraj was his name, but he did not rule the world, not even his own world. a little boy inside the man. the eldest and the youngest of us all. my darling, darling brother, i miss you!

Are we animals???

I was watching this animal rescue show on one of the nature channels on tv. It's so depressing to see in what condition house pets are sometimes kept. Why do people think they're the lords of creation? They take animals as pets when nobody is forcing them to, and then don't feed them or look after them, or worse, are cruel to them, and make them wish they'd never been born! What gives us the right to do that? Animals are made for love, the only beings in the world capable of unconditional silent devotion! They're like children that trust us and depend on us for everything! It is NOT OK to mistreat them! Thank God somebody's monitoring the situation and taking maltreated animals away from their "owners".
I loved my dog and I miss him every day. He was the most beautiful brindle boxer that was specially hiding in a hell-hole for us to rescue. He had three different kinds of worms when we got him, as well as near-starvation, asthma and slight starvation-related muscular under-development similar to rickets. Boxers don't do so well in a hot country like India. It took us nearly six months to get him completely healthy again, and he was faithfully ours for the rest of his shorter-than-usual life. Such a beautiful dog, and so naughty! He conquered our hearts and ruled our lives. He had the best blanket in the house but would only wait till Dad dozed off to jump up slyly onto his bed. If you made a strange noise that he'd never heard before, he'd cock his head around from side to side trying to figure out what the matter with you was. He was so patient that once when I didn't see him behind me and stepped back onto his toe, the poor thing went and hid but never retaliated in any way. Would you be able to do that? A darling, darling boy that left a space in our family, our lives, our hearts that we will never be able to fill again. If you think he was just an animal, you seriously need to get one yourself. Most likely you'll be talking to your pet within a month. :)
I want to get another dog, but we're here in this country only temporarily and I don't know what it would involve to take him back with us to a country with a very different climate. And if we're not able to take him/her, it would just break my heart. So I wait... But God, I miss having that interaction. It's on another level, a more basic, instinctive level, something we can't achieve with humans because they're too developed.

To beget, or not to beget...

You know, in the world as it is today, it is becoming more and more difficult to justify making the traditional choices to your friends! If you're a big city-big school type, you'll have come across the standard feminist theories about self-realization and not having to bend to the pressure of society to fulfill traditional roles of wife and mother. But if you've been through that education system and still want to fulfill those traditional roles, out of choice heaven forbid, suddenly you're an outcast! Nowadays it's not rebellion if you wanna sleep with your boyfriend before marriage, it's rebellion if you don't!!! In my opinion, this is as much against feminism as I understand it as enforcing traditional roles was. To be truly fulfilled, it is freedom of choice I need, whatever those choices may be! Women, stop enforcing gender roles on me, no matter in which direction! 25 years of school, and I'm still succumbing to the most ancient hormonal impulses hehe...

H.E.L.P.

nothing can turn back time. i'm very aware that the choices i'm making right now will determine what i will have to live with ten or twenty years later, but i just don't see how i could decide things any differently. i love working. i just love my job, i love using my brain, i love earning money and being able to buy things without asking anybody for them, i love all that. but if there's one thing i love more than that, it's my husband. i know that i'm giving up developing to my full potential in order to follow another person around wherever they may go, but i also sincerely believe that i would die inside if i could not be with that person. it's really a no-brainer. i wish i could have everything, but hey, who does? i hope one day i don't become so cynical that i don't realize that i really wanted to do this just now, and to hell with the consequences! i wish i don't look back and regret the choices i made and yearn to do them over. i'm really scared of that.

cold, cold heart

it's a grey world - snow on the ground, clouds in the sky.

has the earth stopped revolving around the sun?

aliens from another planet

some people you meet really seem to be from another planet. it's impossible to understand what motivates them to act as they do. especially when they act maliciously or rudely without any perceptible provocation. perhaps they have secret sorrows or simply bad upbringing that makes them incapable of predictable social responses. and then, not everyone is alike. but in our quiet regulated worlds where most people act with acceptable social manners, it's hard to know how to cope with those few who are... different.
i've recently had to cope with a person whom i completely fail to understand! she is rude without provocation, takes malicious delight in troubling me and denying me by devious routes whatever it is i want, and yet i find it hard to dislike her! you see, i have a theory - i believe you can judge people by the company they keep. i'm still testing it out, but it seems to be true. and the strange thing is - this hateful, rude, spiteful, masterful woman has really nice friends! people who are witty, funny, sweet and easy to talk to. so according to my theory, there has to be some side to this woman that is likeable, different from the side she consistently shows to me. recently i had the opportunity to watch her interact with one of her closest friends, and i was amazed by the change i saw in her! she was funny, flirty, amusing... charming!!!!!! it was most disturbing hehe. so is my theory wrong, or is there more to her than meets the eye, or is there more to the people around her than meets the eye? it's difficult to understand her tantrums, her paranoia, her persecution complexes - to see her at one moment almost desperately reaching out for friendship and at another violating your trust by repudiating your friendly overtures in the most rude and violent fashion! what IS it with her???????