weird day

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times... hubby's birthday, but emotionally a day full of upheavals. one of the bloggers i read regularly recently had a baby, lots of problems, and even though i had never met her, i found myself crying my eyes out. i am still worrying for her and can't get over it at all. is this what being a mother does to you, or am i being unduly sensitive? sayesha, my love goes out to you!

tough times

it is so difficult, ever since i became a mother, to see or hear about any child in any kind of pain. i didn't understand what it's like to see a child suffer, until i had a child of my own, because i just didn't know how a child is loved until i did it myself. 

welcome to motherhood!

a surprisingly early delivery later, i'm suddenly the mother of a tiny baby boy! overwhelming, to say the least. sure, we had nine months to get used to the idea. theoretically. actually, we hadn't a clue! parenthood takes you by surprise. suddenly there's this tiny, precious person who depends on you for everything, whose one smile can make your day, whose every move you watch with jealous, anxious care and whose least discomfort can bring tears to your eyes and drive you in desperate frenzy to demand that a bemused pediatrician "do something!" hehe. in a cynical world where we love nobody as well as we love ourselves, motherhood teaches you things about yourself you didn't know or expect. much as you would like to be objective about this new person, brace yourself for future harsh words or pain, it's impossible to resist. and what's more, you don't want to! i surrender to you, little one! :)

pippa

sometimes some books can touch you so deeply, like they're written about yourself. the private lives of pippa lee, by rebecca miller. i am filled with emotion, touched to the heart. scared. this life that i am building for myself, sacrificing everything else to be a wife, hoping to be a mother, will i end up being superfluous in the lives of everyone i love and work for? am i really doing this for myself?

To beget, or not to beget...

You know, in the world as it is today, it is becoming more and more difficult to justify making the traditional choices to your friends! If you're a big city-big school type, you'll have come across the standard feminist theories about self-realization and not having to bend to the pressure of society to fulfill traditional roles of wife and mother. But if you've been through that education system and still want to fulfill those traditional roles, out of choice heaven forbid, suddenly you're an outcast! Nowadays it's not rebellion if you wanna sleep with your boyfriend before marriage, it's rebellion if you don't!!! In my opinion, this is as much against feminism as I understand it as enforcing traditional roles was. To be truly fulfilled, it is freedom of choice I need, whatever those choices may be! Women, stop enforcing gender roles on me, no matter in which direction! 25 years of school, and I'm still succumbing to the most ancient hormonal impulses hehe...

H.E.L.P.

nothing can turn back time. i'm very aware that the choices i'm making right now will determine what i will have to live with ten or twenty years later, but i just don't see how i could decide things any differently. i love working. i just love my job, i love using my brain, i love earning money and being able to buy things without asking anybody for them, i love all that. but if there's one thing i love more than that, it's my husband. i know that i'm giving up developing to my full potential in order to follow another person around wherever they may go, but i also sincerely believe that i would die inside if i could not be with that person. it's really a no-brainer. i wish i could have everything, but hey, who does? i hope one day i don't become so cynical that i don't realize that i really wanted to do this just now, and to hell with the consequences! i wish i don't look back and regret the choices i made and yearn to do them over. i'm really scared of that.