no regrets

that's the aim. to try and live life such that when i'm on my death bed, i have no regrets. fucking mind job! hard enough to know what to do in the next five minutes, and hindsight's 20/20.
no regrets with moving back to India though! got a job right away, baby started blooming with all the family around, life improved exponentially in every possible way. restless now, though. is this all life will be until the end of life? just turned 35, hit hard, doing my head in. these are the best days of my life. speak now, or forever hold your peace.

bye bye miss american pie

well, time to bid yet another country adieu. we had made our home here, but now we've decided to move back to India, for better or worse. i want to work now, and it just won't happen here without a lot of struggle. and while i'm not averse to that, i just don't see the need for it. life's good back home too. we can all get jobs, my son can get the best schooling money can buy, and we can have an enabled lifestyle, as opposed to struggling to make ends meet here. it will take us a decade to build the lifestyle here that we can already have in india. and for our son, those ten years would be crucial. so well, these are the reasons, and i hope i remember them over the decades as i second-guess this momentous decision a million times. :)
it's been a wrench to uproot ourselves from here, because even though we never planned to live all our lives here, yet we'd thought we'd be here longer. we had settled in, bought everything, and just started to save. but the process of selling our things has been a healing one, bringing goodbyes and natural endings to illogical attachments to material things.
i hope we're doing the right thing! looking forward to starting life afresh back HOME!!! :)

shopaholic!

this country is crazy! the markets are so fabulous, there's a product for every conceivable need under the sun. you could literally say something like - i need a motion sensing, daylight sensing light that will switch on when i pass by but not during the day, and they would ask you if you want that in white or yellow. customized goods right at your wallet-tip. in india, when you need something for a specific need, you have to see whatever is available in the market and then adapt it to your use by making some modifications. heck, i couldn't even find a wire rack to place in the wardrobe as additional removable shelving! but here, there are so many options that it's bewildering at first! and boy, does it make you go mad! it seems like i've spent the past one year just salivating and buying, buying, buying, until i'm numb! but now i think it's beginning to settle down a little. most of the things i needed around the house are here. i still do keep getting tempted by new stuff, but now it's down to space vs. need ratio, so lot of the superfluous gets weeded out. i feel i don't have anything else to do, i'm getting bored so i keep rearranging the furniture and buying more stuff for the house. once my baby is in school/playschool, i can start working again and i won't have the time to bother with all this stuff. one can always hope! :)

expectations

sometimes it's hard to live up to your estimation of others' expectations from you. when you're in school or college, you have so much potential... or at least people think you do. so that when you're at home, not working, maybe looking after kids, you feel the weight of their collective disappointment in what you made of your life. when did it become so taboo to be unemployed? liberation is about the freedom to make choices, not the enforcement of one set of choices as opposed to another. being forced to work is as bad as being forced to stay at home. but then, nobody's forcing you for anything, it's just the voices in your head judging you. maybe they will eventually help you get out of inertia when it's time, but for now, they're a pain in the nether area!

nice weekend

met so many friends this past weekend. one thing after another, and hubby's birthday thrown in between just for fun! :) sighhhh wish every weekend could be so exciting! love you guys!

weird day

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times... hubby's birthday, but emotionally a day full of upheavals. one of the bloggers i read regularly recently had a baby, lots of problems, and even though i had never met her, i found myself crying my eyes out. i am still worrying for her and can't get over it at all. is this what being a mother does to you, or am i being unduly sensitive? sayesha, my love goes out to you!

tough times

it is so difficult, ever since i became a mother, to see or hear about any child in any kind of pain. i didn't understand what it's like to see a child suffer, until i had a child of my own, because i just didn't know how a child is loved until i did it myself. 

being a woman

the older i grow, the more i notice the differences between men and women. women are mothers - whether we are daughters or sisters or wives or mothers or grandmothers, we do a lot of mothering in any relationship with a man. whereas for each other, we don't automatically go into mother mode. i think we get the short end of the stick... men get to be babies all their lives and we get to do all the work. :P

welcome to motherhood!

a surprisingly early delivery later, i'm suddenly the mother of a tiny baby boy! overwhelming, to say the least. sure, we had nine months to get used to the idea. theoretically. actually, we hadn't a clue! parenthood takes you by surprise. suddenly there's this tiny, precious person who depends on you for everything, whose one smile can make your day, whose every move you watch with jealous, anxious care and whose least discomfort can bring tears to your eyes and drive you in desperate frenzy to demand that a bemused pediatrician "do something!" hehe. in a cynical world where we love nobody as well as we love ourselves, motherhood teaches you things about yourself you didn't know or expect. much as you would like to be objective about this new person, brace yourself for future harsh words or pain, it's impossible to resist. and what's more, you don't want to! i surrender to you, little one! :)

goa ki leela

we’re in goa! since the fifth month is relatively a quiet and comfortable time, we decided to plan a last vacation before we got into the hectic and demanding times ahead. naturally, i can’t do anything really rigorous right now – nor is it safe to – and we managed to get some really great off-season rates at the Leela, so here we are!

DAY 1: Saturday, 19th September 2009

the difference starts as soon as you get off your flight, when two attendants are waiting for you outside with a luxurious Nissan x-trail SUV with leather upholstery. we literally could not stop smiling. the property is way out in the middle of nowhere, so it takes nearly an hour to get there from the airport, in spite of the expert fast driving.

the first view of the Leela is deceptive – we didn’t feel as though we were entering a luxury resort, but rather as if it were some low-cost government guesthouse, because everything is painted a rather strange pinkish colour. of course, as soon as you enter the lobby, everything changes. we were greeted with genda maalas (like phoreners! bhelcome to india saar!) and daab as we sat comfortably while the concierge checked us in and dealt with the teeny tiny matter of x-raying our luggage for security reasons. we were then shown around the place. the entire property is spread out in cottages, interspersed with landscaping, restaurants, club, spa, golf course, tennis court, swimming pool, lagoon backwater and private beach. water sports are organized on the lagoon (the sea is too choppy right now). it’s quite pretty!

we have a lagoon-facing suite which is said to be decorated in the portuguese style, but it’s all fairly generic hotel furniture except shuttered sliding doors covering the windows and the doors onto the balconies instead of curtains. the bedroom and bathrooms (they have two! in one suite!) are fairly luxurious, as expected, with a soft bed and comforter and lovely marble bath and shower set up in both bathrooms. we were expecting four-poster beds and dark wood appointments, maybe some tile or chip decorations etc, anything to make it seem more portuguese, but that hasn’t happened. the prices of food and other necessities make your hair turn white, but i guess that’s to be expected. prepare to pay up to half the cost of your entire stay just to keep away hunger! :)

we had planned some sightseeing but we’re dealing with some limitations. my husband’s knee got twisted somehow yesterday, and he’s limping. this is a recurrent problem (old injury – ligament tear), so we are dealing with it, but it does mean that long walks are out. we can’t drink (well, i can’t hehe), we can’t do bumpy water sports, the sea is too choppy to enter, and we can’t even go on long drives if they last more than one hour, cos i need rest-stops constantly! so where does that leave us? to enjoy our suite and maybe take short walks around the property. we’ll see how it goes, maybe try and catch a city tour on monday. anyway, we’ve both been here before and we will come again in the future, so there’s no real anxiety to go out and see everything – which was really one of the reasons we chose this place, because we knew my limitations.

hehe but it really is a small world! we were being driven to our cottage in a golf cart (which in the Leela means a full-fledged six seater buggy with comfortable upholstery) and saw one of my husband’s college classmates coming from the opposite direction in another buggy with his significant other! unfortunately the buggies crossed each other so fast, we didn’t get a chance to do more than just wave.

DAY 2: Sunday, 20th September 2009

today was such a lovely, lazy day! we stayed mostly indoors, because first it was way too muggy and hot to step out (just the walk to the lunch venue had me sweating and gasping), and then it started raining in the evening just as we stepped out to go for a walk. so we only went out for lunch, which was excellent! they had set up a lunch buffet which was very elaborate and, by leela standards, surprisingly economical! we picked up a dvd to watch from the main desk, sat outside in the balcony chatting for a while and then ordered in dinner (an excellent chicken biryani). all in all, a nice day. i’m so glad there’s no pressure to go sightseeing, because with all this rest, hubby’s knee is recovering nicely and i’m really enjoying having him to myself for so much time!

tomorrow we might check out the water sports, swim a little in the pool and take a walk by the beach, whatever’s possible, and if we feel so inclined. hehe what a holiday! :)

DAY 3: Monday, 21st September 2009

today we got up with a mission – we had to leave the suite! :) so by lunchtime, groaning and complaining, somehow we were ready to go! after the elaborate lunch buffet (and a really disappointing chicken stuffed with ricotta and spinach for me), we felt so sleepy that all i wanted to do was go back and sleep. but the weather suddenly turned really nice, and we went for our walk on the beach after all. it was amazing! the minute the sea air hits you, there’s something so invigorating about it that you wake right up and want to run into the waves. i love the sea! pity it wasn’t safe to go in – everyday there were reports in the newspaper about tourists being swept out by currents and having to be rescued, and even a couple of fatalities, so we weren’t about to risk it. just getting our feet wet as we walked was more than enough, even though many people were in up to their necks.

from the beach we took the buggy to the riverside where water sports were organized, but didn’t end up doing any because the only one we could have done was a cruise on the river, and there wasn’t much of a view of anything as far as we could see. in fact, it was quite commercialized with all kinds of shanties on the sides, so a cruise would have been quite pointless. the buggy guy then took us for a drive around the property, and that was quite nice. there was a botanical garden, club suites with their own pools and all kinds of luxuries. we got dropped off at our suite because even though the pool was inviting, it had started to drizzle. the sea air had really got us hungry, so we changed and went off to dinner. unfortunately, by this time we were so overloaded on good food that we really couldn’t do the buffet justice, though that didn’t stop me from filling up my dessert plate! :)

after dinner we thought about going for another walk, but the property is kept quite dark at night, and there wasn’t much to see. so back to the suite and some together time.

DAY 4: Tuesday, 22nd September 2009

The days have flown by so fast! We can’t believe it’s time to pack up and check out! We finally woke up in time for breakfast! After the somewhat disappointing meal, we got ready and packed, and checked out by noon. We still had 3 hours to kill before leaving for the airport, so we played some TT, carrom and pool, which was such good fun that we didn’t even realize how the time flew! We were both quite stuffed from our breakfast, so we shared a quick sandwich. the maitre d’ offered us some complimentary dessert from the buffet as it was our last day – to take some sweet memories with us, he said (so adorable!) – and we really had a blast because they were the best array we’d seen in the past four days! after that it was finally time to regretfully bid this idyll adieu. it had been a lovely, relaxing vacation! just what we wanted!